I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
