I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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