guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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