you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
