Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
