if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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