they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Blood and glitter go together right?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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