mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
