Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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