At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
someone owes me an orgasm
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
