break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
