Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if i died would you start the facebook group?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
