i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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