i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
