they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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