I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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