Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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