I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
