I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
