I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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