you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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