my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just cropdusted the office
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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