I think I won the penis lottery.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
