dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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