I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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