at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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