I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
