and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
