Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you had me at cake vodka
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
