watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
