I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
