Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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