I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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