you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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