soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
