I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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