He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
