you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
