if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
