The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
