Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
