i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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