arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
