I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
