Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
