you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
