she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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