Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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