I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He is an equal opportunity slut.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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