I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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