I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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