You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
