Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
