forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
