My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
