Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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