To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
These tits shall not be calmed
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
