his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
