she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
