JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
