Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
