kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We need a shit load of segways right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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