I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
