Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
