your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
