Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
